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5/16/11

     I just couldn’t bring myself to go to work today. I didn’t sleep much at all last night and I knew that at some point I’d end up crying. The thought of trying to explain to a class of four year olds and a class of 6th graders that my sister was dying of cancer wasn’t something I wanted to do today. Most of the day was spent crying and with my mind racing trying to understand why Carol didn’t tell me about her cancer sooner so I could have spent more time with her. I feel so betrayed and angry. Why wouldn’t she want me to know? We could have made so many more memories together. Did she think I’d pity her? Did she think I’d be mad? Did she think I’d try to talk her into seeking treatment? Ok, to be honest, I probably would have done that and then she would have said that she wasn’t going to do it and we’d both be mad.

     Quite a bit of my time was spent trying to figure out how we were going to tell our mother. Typically she doesn’t take negative news very well. I told Dave I didn’t even want to call her to say that we were going to come see her. I knew that she would be able to tell that something was wrong. Bless his kind heart; he said “I’ll call her”. He told her that since we weren’t able to come see her on mother’s day we thought we’d come see her this weekend, plus, we had pictures of our son’s wedding and reception to show her. She was thrilled that we were going to come. 

     At some point during the day, I’m not sure when, the tears stopped for a while.  I called my sister and we devised our final plan for telling mom. We were supposed to call my sister when we pulled into the driveway at mom’s house and then she would call about ten minutes later.  She wanted to be 100% sure we were there before she called. That seemed reasonable enough to me. I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to come see her. She said she wanted to see me, too. Not sure when it can happen . . . school isn’t over until the 26th. 

     We had to tell our children. I knew I couldn’t do it but again, my sweet husband said he would. It wasn’t easy for him, especially with me sitting there crying the whole time. They took the news as well as could be expected with sadness, tears, and questions. Again with the questions . . . why? Why? Why? How do you respond to those questions when you can’t really answer them for yourself?

     This all seems so surreal. It feels as if I’m in a dream, actually it’s more like a nightmare. If I go to sleep now will it all be over in the morning? My heart physically hurts! It feels like someone is sitting on my chest and it makes it difficult to breath.   I feel so angry!

 

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